So here we are. Five years from my last post and so much has happened. I got married in the perfect dress on the perfect night to the perfect man. I have had a beautiful baby girl who just recently turned two. And now, we are going for #2.
I wish this was more of an enjoyable experience than it is, but it is not. And being that writing is my getaway and therapy, I thought long and hard and decided to write it out.
My first baby took a littlw over a year to concieve. A long, stressful, teared filled, faith tested year. I got off birth control and did not start. And did not start. And did not start. Finally, I went to the doctor and she gave me progesterone which I took for several days and a day or two later after the last pill, I started.
We went from there, and when I got no where at my OBGYN we went to a fertility specialist. They put me on 50mg of Clomid and I did not respond. They put me on 100mg of Clomid and I over-responded. They never gave an answer as to why I never started on my own or ovulate on my own, but I suppose I did not directly ask for a direct answer. Anyway, I got frustrated after about five or six months on this rollercoaster, so I switched to a fertility specialist in another town.
We had a consultation and the doctor suggested IUI. I asked if we needed to take that step yet. Her response is one I will never forget. She said we could wait, keep doing what we'd been doing, or we could step it up and take out more hang-up factor giving us a better chance of pregnancy. I was all in.
She put me on Femara on cycle days 3-7. I made one perfect follicle, took Ovidrel trigger shot to ovulate, had an IUI, took progesterone and oil injections and had a perfect and healthy baby girl. Seemed so simple.
She was born a little early, but was a fighter and perfect from the get-go. The labor story is for another day.
We started for kid number two about six months ago. We tried Femara again and I did not respond at all. We tried Clomid at 100mg and Gonal F shot. I made about 6 follicles so we originally decided to wait; however, my doctor called after reviewing my chart and decided she wanted me to trigger shot and come in the next day for IUI. She said that although I had a bunch, she was sure my body would not ovulate all of them, rather maybe 2.
So we tried it. Gave it a shot, sat out the two week wait. And....negative pregnancy test. Heartbreak.
I had to go on birth control for a month after that due to cysts being left from the over stimulation. Then we once again tried Clomid at 100mg and Gonal F. I made two good follicles. We triggered with Ovidrel, did IUI, and then went to Jamaica. Oh how I wish I could do that with every two week wait. It was a business trip with my husband, so we did not plan the trip around the wait. It just worked out perfect. And....I had a positive pregnancy test!!
I continued on with my progesterone and oil injections, which made the trip to Jamaica with me. We went in for the 8 week check up, and I was so nervous. I prayed and hoped to see that heartbeat and perfect little baby. And we did. Heartbeat and everything to go along was perfect.
We kept tracking my progesterone and started lessening the dosage until they called at about 9 or 10 weeks to say I could quit them all together. I was thrilled! But my next test came back at 14 after previously being in the 80's. I knew then something was not right.
I began my progesterone shots again and went in at 11 weeks. I really wasn't worried, although my progesterone was lower, I knew it wasn't too low.
I miscarried. At nine weeks and four days my baby had stopped growing and there was no heartbeat on the monitor. Worst day of my life.
It was supposed to be a fun, easy, exciting day. And it crumbled and crashed. Sad does not even describe the hurt and pain. If I knew I would ovulate the next month on my own and all we had to worry about was having sex, then maybe it would be easier. But I don't know, maybe not. I know it would hurt to my core either way.
I had become one of the 10% of women that miscarry after seeing a fetal heartbeat. For real, 10%. Not a category I ever wanted or want to be in again.
I will never get the memory out of my head of watching the monitor with my doctor and her saying, "I don't think it is alive." I got hot, couldn't breath, wanted someone to hold me and tell me it was a mistake. I never bled, never cramped, nothing to indicate miscarriage.
I had a D&C the next morning.
No comments:
Post a Comment